Disclosure with your child

No parent wants to think or believe that someone is or has abused their child. Imagine the thoughts, feelings and emotions running through the mind of a child or youth when deciding whether to disclose that they are or have been abused.

What is disclosure?

Disclosure is when a child or youth tells you or lets you know in some other way that she / he has been, or is being abused.

Disclosure can be direct, indirect, or a third-party disclosure. It may be that your child chooses to disclose what has happened to them to another person – try not to focus too much on the fact that they have disclosed to another as there are many reasons why they have not told you. Your role moving forward is to offer unconditional love and support to your child.

The time frame for a child disclosing can vary from immediately after it happens to days, weeks, months or years after the abuse has taken place.

Your child will be experiencing a range of emotions and feelings during this time period.

Below are some of the feelings your child may experience:

FEAR:

• Your child may have been threatened by the perpetrator to keep this a secret
• Your child may be fearful that they will in some way be blamed for allowing this abuse to take place
• Your child may worry about the repercussions to the family if the abuse is carried out by a family member
• Your child may fear that they may not be believed about what has happened
• Your child might believe they could be treated differently after they disclose

CONFUSION:

• Your child may not have understood what has happened to them
• Your child may have conflicting feelings towards the abuser if it is someone they trust and love
• Your child may be confused in the sense that they know that the abuse is wrong yet they enjoyed the attention and that some of it felt nice.

GUILT:

• Your child may feel that the abuse is their fault or that they should have done something to stop it
• Your child may feel guilty that they didn’t say something sooner
• Your child enjoyed the attention that they received

EMBARRASSMENT:

• Your child may feel that it is easier to pretend it never happened rather than having to retell the events to you

Some factors which may influence effects of the abuse:

• The nature of the relationship between the victim and the offender. The closer the emotional connection or bond the greater the trauma.
• The age of the child when the abuse began and the duration of the abuse.
• The type of sexual activity the child was exposed to.
• The level of aggression the child was exposed to from the abuser.
• The response the child receives when they disclose their abuse.
• The availability of a support network or person that is there for the child immediately and ongoing after disclosure.

The reaction from the first person they talk to can shape how they move forward in their healing process.

Way as a parent you can offer support to your child:

• Make it very clear that you believe them. It is more than likely that their abuser has told them that if they reveal their secret nobody will believe them. Your role is simply to be there for your child and offer unconditional love and support. Allow them to tell the incidents in their words. Resist the temptation to jump in and use your words or ask leading questions. Being there and listening to them is crucial at this stage.
• As shocking and hurtful as this revelation may be to you it is vital that you remain calm in front of your child. Your response and reaction will be something your child will be watching for. A negative reaction from you can contribute to your child feeling that they are to blame for the situation and should have done more to stop the abuse. They may begin to believe that they should not have told you and carried the secret themselves and take back what they have told you to avoid causing further upset and to protect you.
• Do not be afraid of saying the ‘wrong thing’. Your child has chosen to confide in you which shows that they trust you and want you to help them. Your child will benefit from the support and reassurance you will provide.
• Talk to the child in a safe and private place. This is a conversation that should take place without interruption and with no chance of the conversation being overheard which will disrupt the flow of disclosure.
• It may take several conversations for the whole series of events and incidents to be told to you. Never rush the child to disclose. They will do so at their own pace.
• Throughout the conversation it is important that you continue to reassure your child that the abuse is not their fault. It is not uncommon for the abuser to try and convince their victim that they are in some way to blame for their abuse. This includes comments about clothing they were wearing, that they were ‘flirting’ with their abuser or not saying ‘No’ when it first happened.
• Reassuring them they have done the right thing by telling you which will help in easing any feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment.
• Never make promises you are unable to keep – such as agreeing not to tell anyone this has happened. Their trust has been broken already, now they need an adult who can help stop the abuse and help them rebuild their feelings of trust to others. Tell them that they do need to talk with others but it will only be discussed to people who will help them and keep them safe.
• You must report this to the authorities. The safety and well being of the child is up most! If the abuser is someone who lives with your child then they will, for their own safety, be removed from the home whilst the investigation is being carried out. If the abuser is not living in the family home and there is a parent/guardian who can offer support and care then it is likely that your child will remain in the family home.
• Tell your child what you are planning to do next. Through the abuse your child has lost control and power over actions so by keeping them informed, as much as you can, will help with rebuilding their feelings of safety and power.
• Do not confront the abuser yourself.

Sometimes your child may recant or take back the allegations of abuse and there are several reasons why this may happen. The most common reasons are feeling responsible for a family break down and/ or upset or not being believed by family members and friends.This does not mean that the abuse did not take place.

As frustrating as this may be to you, your role is to provide love and support to your child. Do not try and pressure your child into changing their mind or imply that they have made the abuse up as this will have negative effects not only on the court and investigation process but also on your child as they move forward.

One book which may help you through the process of disclosure and the feeling your young child may be experiencing is called ‘Mia’s secret’. Written in clear and concise language and endorsed by The Gatehouse, ‘Mia's Secret’ is a reassuring read for young children who experience sexual abuse.

Mia’s Secret

By Peter Ledwon & Marilyn Mets (Tundra Books)

Mia is little girl who feels helpless in her situation. She has promised to keep a secret, but now this secret feels wrong. And now that she has played the secret game, she is frightened - frightened that "he" will be angry if she tells, frightened that no one will understand. Only her stuffed bear, Tikki, has seen everything and knows how much this secret hurts. For children caught in abuse, there often seems to be no way out. Mia's Secret offers a way to help children see that by telling someone they can get help to stop the abuse.

If you would like a copy of this book then please call The Gatehouse @ 416-255-5700 or alternatively you can pick a copy up at Chapters book stores