Why should I tell anyone?
Abuse is often kept as a ‘secret’ leaving you feeling alone, frightened, scared, isolated and confused. Most cases of abuse are carried out by someone you know, love and trust which makes it even harder to tell what is happening………
This is not your fault and that is something you must never forget – abusers make their victims keep the ‘secret’ because they, as adults or older youths, know this is wrong.
You have already taken a big step by reading this information and the now you have to tell an adult or somebody you can trust what is happening to you. This could be a parent, family member, school counselor, doctor, therapist, friend’s parent, older sibling. There are people out there who can help you and will want to.
If you tell someone and they don’t help for whatever reason keeps telling until someone listens and does do something.
There may be many reasons why you might be finding it hard to tell somebody, such as:
- Your relationship with the person who is abusing you especially if they are a family member or someone you love or trust.
- You may be torn between feelings of loyalty to this person. The person who is abusing you knows this is wrong, that is why you are being told to keep it a "secret".
- You may be feeling that if you tell someone you will not be believed.
- They may be someone that you rely on everyday
- Feelings of confusion, guilt, anger – these are all natural feelings to feel. But you have to remember that this is wrong and nobody has the right to treat you and your body in this way!
- Feelings of fear – you may have been threatened by your abuser that bad things will happen to you or someone you care about if you reveal the "secret".
If the person does not live with you try not to be alone with that person
In this situation it is ok to say something like
- "I promised _______ I would help her with her homework tonight"
- "I have to stay late after school tonight"
Then go straight home.
If you are not ready to talk to somebody about what is happening to you then you could always write a letter. This allows you to ask for help without having to actually talk about what is happening. You can pass this letter to an adult who can help you stop what is happening.
When you have told somebody you will begin to feel:
- That you are not alone or isolated
- Better for having told someone
- The support of an adult or friend that can give you advice and help you begin the steps to stopping the abuse
Who should you tell?
There are lots of different people you can tell such as a parent or adult who you trust, school teacher, counselor, family friend, a friends parent. If you tell one person and they don’t or can’t help do not give up until you find someone who can help you. Find a quiet place where you won’t be interrupted to talk to the person. You can simply say “someone is hurting me and I want it to stop” or "I need your help".
You may be feeling as though you should have said "no" or tried harder to stop this from happening.
Being abused is never your fault – you must never blame yourself. This was done by someone who was probably older, bigger or stronger than you. This may have happened to you by someone you love, trust and respect making it even harder to believe what has or is happening to you.
Saying "no" doesn’t always guarantee that the abuse will stop.
Am I a bad person?
NO. This was not your fault, it did not happen because of anything you said or did or because of a way you behaved. The abuser is always to blame. They are the adult or older youth and they know what they are doing is wrong that is why they made you keep it a ‘secret’ from everybody else.
They said something bad would happen to people you love if you told anybody.
This is said to frighten you and keep the ‘secret’ so that they don’t get into trouble. The only way the abuse will stop is by you telling somebody what is happening to you.
What will happen to this person?
Once you tell somebody there will be lots of different people involved with deciding what will happen to this person. That is not your responsibility – you have to look after yourself. Everybody involved wants to keep you safe – that will be the priority. Whatever the final outcome for this person, it is not your fault.
One book which may help you is called "Mia’s secret".
Mia’s Secret
By Peter Ledwon & Marilyn Mets (Tundra Books)
Mia is little girl who feels helpless in her situation. She has promised to keep a secret, but now this secret feels wrong. And now that she has played the secret game, she is frightened - frightened that "he" will be angry if she tells, frightened that no one will understand. Only her stuffed bear, Tikki, has seen everything and knows how much this secret hurts. For children caught in abuse, there often seems to be no way out. Mia's Secret lets you see that by telling someone you can get help to stop the abuse.
If you would like a copy of this book then please call The Gatehouse @ 416-255-5900
